Crying—Don’t miss the opportunity

A child cries and a pained look appears on her parent’s face, a familiar scene in most families. That pained look might represent a fear mom has that she caused her child some pain. Or that look might be unexpressed frustration as if to say, “why are you so upset, you know this isn’t allowed.”

You might be thinking, “That’s a pretty big generalization” and it is. The truth is crying and a parent’s reaction to it is far more complicated than that.

I haven’t met a parent yet who doesn’t feel a tug at their heart strings when their child cries. At the same time I think most parents understand that crying is part of the language of early childhood. Having those two thoughts at once can confuse parents and may cause them to miss a great teaching moment.

• The teaching moment I’m speaking about is teaching your child how to manage their own temperament and reactions. When you stop reacting and start responding you’re better able to capture the moment and teach some things that will really help your child as she grows.  Let me show you what I mean.

Some children fall to the floor and cry as if their heart is breaking. Some children cry loudly while looking around the room to see how much attention they’re getting. And some cry because they’re bored and have figured out that if they go toward something that’s a “no” it’s a sure way to get their parent to distract them into another activity.

• When faced with situations like that most parents focus on getting the crying to STOP. They yell, punish, back down, feel sympathy or plead for it to stop. All parents know that it’s practically impossible to stop a child from expressing their emotions once they’ve begun. Allowing your child to express his/her feelings is key in parenting. If parents insist crying stops now, or they don’t teach how you’re supposed to manage feelings, a child may make crying a larger part of how they interact with others.

• The child who falls on the floor crying as if her heart is broken not only needs to learn how to accept being told “no” but she also needs to know how to deal with and express her beautiful sensitive nature.

• The child who cries loudly while looking for attention needs to know that creating drama is not the way to get what you want. She needs to know that so she can get along with friends, teachers, and family. She also needs to know how to embrace and work with her intensity and power. She could end up being president and will need to be powerful.

• The child who’s bored and cries so his parents will redirect him toward something more interesting needs to learn what he likes to do so he can manage boredom for himself. He needs know this or he’ll constantly be relying on his parents and others for his entertainment.

When you switch from trying to stop crying at all costs to allowing a child to get it out of her system you’re much calmer and then better able to teach her what she needs to learn so she can manage all the complicated situations that happen every day in life. For ways to teach your child how to manage her feelings go to my website and click free gift. Joining our mailing list allows you to read archived newsletters filled with articles and ideas to help. For techniques, tips and sample conversations look in our online store.

Sharon Silver is the founder of ProActive Parenting www.proactiveparenting.net, a site helping parents Stop Reacting & Start Responding. She hosts Ask Me @momtv.com and Getting to the Heart of the Matter @ toginet.com. Join her on twitter @proactvparentng & Facebook @Sharon.ProActiveParenting.Tips.