Tantrums Article by Sharon Silver

Tantrums Article by Sharon Silver (1 comment)

Posted on on September 16th, 2009 in: Articles, Articles & Guest Blogs, Behavior & Discipline Tips, MoM Thoughts, Parenting.

Are all tantrums the same?

Most parents tend to handle tantrums very sternly like they have no other choice than to come down hard to stop it immediately, as if it’s a battle of wills. Reacting that way causes you change yourself just a little bit. It makes you close off a part of yourself so you can deal with all the emotions. Think about this.

If each time your child goes through a new stage or expresses a ton of emotion you close off a part of yourself so you can endure it, who will you be in 2 yrs, 5 yrs or 20 yrs, will you recognize yourself? What if you were to look at the situation from another angle and change your mind about what’s going? The 1^st thing to know is that different age groups have different types of tantrums.

• The conflict behind a very young child’s tantrums.

A young child is just beginning to see himself as separate from his parent. He’s independent and dependant at the same time and has no idea how to choose between the two. He sees a toy and heads toward the toy but out of the corner of his eye he sees mom walk out of the room. He wants mom and the toy at the same time and becomes panicky; he doesn’t know how to decide which to choose, mom or toy. He isn’t verbal enough to express his confusion so he becomes overwhelmed and more scared. Now he begins to cry, his heart beats louder and that scares him too, he collapses into a tantrum. He has no idea how he got this upset and gets more upset because he is so upset. He’s reached his limit; he’s extremely emotional and has no idea how to stop.

At this point some children get angry, kicking and scratching but most just fall into an emotional puddle and cry as if begging for help. Some parents yell at their child to “stop it now” but they can’t. They have no idea how they got this upset and even less of an idea how to “stop it now” so the tantrum continues.

• An older child’s tantrum is what most parents think of when referring to a tantrum, it’s willful & emotional.

A 3 yr old is going to the mall with mom. As they approach the door she says, “Carry me”. Mom says “No” and keeps walking. The child throws herself on the ground and begins screaming, “You have to carry me NOW!” She screams until mom either leaves or carries her.

See the difference between the two? A young child’s tantrum comes from overwhelm and lack of words. The older child’s tantrum begins with “I want what I want” then goes into willful demands and emotions.

• So how can a parent handle these tantrums?

The young child’s tantrum is a true cry for help and isn’t the time for parents to close themselves off from their child and get intense. You need to be his soft place to land and bring him back to emotional safety. Be empathetic; use calming sounds and few words allowing him to latch on to the sound of your voice for safety. This type of tantrum will pass as he becomes more verbal.

Since an older child is willfully demanding “I want what I want”—talking is pointless. Pick her up and go out to the curb away from the crowd and sit; don’t go to the car or leave. Going to the car or leaving shows her she wins when she acts up. Calmly wait for screaming to slow down then say what you need to say and return to the mall. Here too you haven’t closed off any part of yourself or gotten intense and you were still able to be firm and correct behavior. If she acts up again, repeat.

Parents don’t need to change who they are or remove the love they have for their child when correcting behavior. Changing your mind preserves the parent/child relationship for a lifetime and isn’t that why we had children?